SUMMER ETIQUETTE WITH KATHY POSNER

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ETIQUETTE FROM CHICAGO

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 Kathy Posner

Last year I wrote a blog about summer etiquette that listed the important rules of how one should comfort themselves when the temperature is high. I find it necessary to repeat those tips again because of a phone call I received from my friend Jill. She reached out to me because there was not one single woman on the street or in her office who was wearing panty hose besides herself and it bothered her for the same reasons it bothers me. She asked me to re-run my rules about how should conduct themselves when temperatures soar.

KATHY'S SUMMER RULES

1. I find it disgusting when women wear dress shoes without stockings. Sandals I can barley tolerate, but pumps without hosiery? What is so difficult about putting on panty hose in the summer? Most women’s legs are pale and pathetic and I don’t want to look at stubbly legs. Plus, having bare feet encased in leather shoes without stockings creates a sweating situation that leads to smelly feet. Offices, stores and restaurants are air conditioned!! Put on stockings!

This is how your feet look! 

2. I can tolerate sandals without hose but, really, with the exception of going to the beach, do people really need to wear open toed footwear? I don’t want to see people’s dry, cracked heels and the corns on their toes. Have some pride! If one is going to wear sandals, make sure the feet are pedicured (men also!) and free of bunions and bumps.

3. No woman over the age of 21 should ever wear anything sleeveless in public unless they are hospitalized with IV needles in their arms or at the beach. (see note 5 on not going to the beach)

4. Capri pants are also a fashion horror! Does that missing few inches of cloth at the hem of trousers keep one cooler? No! Women look pathetic in short pants. Only Lord Fauntleroy could get away with wearing them.

How is this attractive? 

5. There is no reason to ever go to the beach (see note 3 for dressing at the beach). Why would anyone want to lie out in the blazing hot sun and be forced to use a porta-potty to “freshen up.” Plus swimming in a lake or ocean is repulsive. Fish and other creatures live in the body of water one might swim in and it is not only their personal porta-potty, but where they procreate! You want to put your face in that? Might as well lick the floor at the CTA station if you want to wallow in germs.

6. Steaks and hamburgers grilled over charcoals certainly do taste better than when broiled in a kitchen’s oven. But who wants to eat outside in the heat with bugs? It is okay to attend a backyard barbecue as long as one is allowed to eat inside where it is air conditioned. My friend Karen has a yearly summer event and I love attending, but I eat my food at her dining room table with utensils as any civilized person should. Picnics in the woods are totally insane! (see porta-potty #5)

7. Avoid going outside as much as possible if one lives in an urban environment with sidewalks. Aliens land in the summer and populate cities. I know they are visitors from outer space because they are always stopping in the middle of the sidewalk and looking skyward obviously trying to locate their Mother ship.

If you think about it, summer is just winter reversed. Winter is cold outside and heated inside; summer is just the opposite. No big deal! If one acts the same as they did in winter, they will not make a fool of themselves in summer by trying to do crazy things like walking on a beach or getting a tan.

"In Winter I get up at night and dress by yellow candle-light. In Summer quite the other way, I have to go to bed by day."

Robert Louis Stevenson